When I think about the times I thought about jumping in front of the R train, or that if I had a gun all of my problems would go away with just the pulling of a trigger, it doesn’t make me cringe anymore, but it does help me understand how fragile the human mind can be in times of despair.
I used to be very judgmental about people who committed suicide, always saying things like “suicide is never an option” or “people should be stronger than that”, all those things are very easy to say until you’re in that place, until you can’t walk too close to the edge of the train tracks because when you do it feels like there is a hand on your back trying to push you forward and you’re so scared you might actually do it you start walking to places no matter how far they may be, or just taking Ubers everywhere because that’s the only way you can feel safe from your own self. And you can’t tell anyone but your therapist because you don’t want your family to worry about you, or you don’t want your friends to think you are crazy even though you actually feel like you are losing your mind.
It’s a really dark place to be in.
The reason why I’m saying all this is because if there is someone out there who might be going through the same thing I want you to know that you are not alone, don’t hold on to those feelings until they become more poisonous to yourself, speak up, tell the people that loves you how you feel, don’t feel like you are going to be judged or misunderstood because, believe it or not, there are more people out there going through the same thing, and they are also looking for a shoulder to lean on. Seek help, I beg you please do, don’t stand alone in the middle of the storm. Going to therapy doesn’t make you crazy or weak, it takes a lot of strength and self-awareness to accept the fact that you are not OK, and there is nothing wrong with not being ok.
I stand here today as a living proof that it’s possible to get out of that place, that it’s possible to get to the other side, and though sometimes I feel myself falling back into that hole now I know that I can get out of there, I know that I’m not alone, and that there is people around me that will help me get back up no matter how many times I fall.
Thank you for reading this, I appreciate you, I love you, and if I can promise you something it’s that tomorrow will be a better day.
You are strong.